grilled or fried?

wow...i'm such a chicken. there are so many thing i wanna ask johnny and talk about, but i can't. i just...i dunno. i want to know, but im so unconfrontational when it comes to this stuff. i called a guy a fucking ass hole and now i cant even...UGH!!! why is this so difficult. and i feel really bad for going thru doan. i feel like i'm being annoying and i probably am. sorry doan. well...i don't know what to do. i really wanna know tho. i keep telling myself im not afraid of rejection...but why cant i bring myself to talk to him about any of it. i didnt even talk to him about the "plan". school is over in, like 30 days, so its not like anything is gunna happen, but...maybe a chance at finality would be nice? i dont even really care which way it goes, just...something. well...i guess i'm either gunna have to get over it...what ever "it" is, or i'll just never know...for sure really. ppl (cj, doan thats not really alot, but watevs) are tellin me he likes me, but i cant bring myself to belive. i want to, really i do, i just cant. there is something inside of me that is keeping that part of me from telling him anything or talking to him about any of it. ughness. life is so difficult right now. i dont want this life. sure theres some great things, but right now, the negative dwarfs it. i dont wanna die. i just don't want this life. if i could pick and choose my life, thatd be nice. i wouldnt make it perfect. but itd sure be a hell of a lot better. for now i guess im just gunna have to focus on the good things to get me thru this. thats my friends, my mom(the stuff i can tell her) and my music. u guys help me alot thanks so much. i can do this...thirty some days left and i'll be FREE! unless something happens and i dont wanna be free...no, STOP! i gotta stop doin this. trying to be at peac3